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John I

It happened on an average day. The holy man encountered me and my feeble but not entirely unproductive life. The Great MEH Guru at this time came down from the sky on a pink and purple frisbee, sucking on a popsicle and eating fried zucchini. He sat down on the bench next to me and took up entirely too much space. When I politely asked him if he could slide his lard ass over and give me some room, he turned and looked at me curiously like I had interrupted him, which I had, but it was still curious. He then closed his eyes and started going into small convulsions. When he opened his eyes he spat out one word.


I gave him a somewhat startled and yet curious glance, which I felt entirely justified in doing since it was a Tuesday and people are generally more cheerful on Tuesdays; that is, as opposed to Mondays, when people are bummed out, and the closer to Friday one gets, the more people are happy, until it finally is Friday, and then people feel great. But on the weekend people are zoned out because they waited all week for these two days off, and now they can't figure out why, and they only wish the week would start again so they could get to the next weekend of wondering what to do.

I asked the person (I had no idea he was the Great MEH Guru at this time) I say, I asked him "Meh?" and paused, but before I could finish my pause he interrupted with "No, MEH."

I said again "Meh?" I often have to repeat myself around Him since I think he is totally deaf in all three ears.

"MEH," he said again, obviously not very impressed with my knowledge.

"How profound oh Guru oh wise one." I thought flattery would get me somewhere, so I continued, "Please take me under your arm and teach me the ways of MEH, for I want to live my life utilizing the teachings of MEH."

It was a few seconds earlier that I somehow came to realize that this person was none other than the Great Wise Omnipotent Guru of MEH.

He nodded his head and proceeded to council me in the Ways of MEH. The conversations consisted of repeated pointing, grunts, growls, flailing of arms, and of course, Meh. Usually in my learning sessions he brought two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and when I asked if I could have one, he would say "MEH" and proceed to lick between the slices of bread to get all the grape jelly and peanut butter. When He was done He rolled the bread into little balls and threw them at me. When I finally threw one back at Him one day, He looked at me and said "MEH" in approval, at which point we decided to ditch our fifth class period and go down to Seven-Eleven to buy a Recess Peanut Butter cup and a cherry slush. When he finished with them he let out a burp, at which point I said "MEH."

The Guru looked at me and shook his head, and spoke, saying, "Bless you my ignorant child."

I almost fell on my face as I ran home in fear, teeth tingling, and ran to my mommy. I later calculated the Guru's vocabulary at six words.